A few weeks ago, I took down this website. I didn’t actually delete anything, but I did switch the site into “maintenance mode”, during which time, no one could see my posts. But unlike last year when I deleted a few postings because of some harassment I have received via e-mail, this time it’s even more personal. In short, a few months ago, I was confronted with the urgent need to reflect on my life’s priorities. I know that some of the small number of readers out in cyberspace who know that I am a transwoman are already saying, “Ah! Katie must have decided to go through with transition!”
Well, you’re wrong.
I am what people commonly refers to as a geek. And since I am proud of being geek, let me write like one for awhile. As a researcher in numerical methods, I rely on my computers to crunch numbers. Because of that, I take care of them. But every now and then, I’d need to reboot my machines, even my very-reliable Linux boxes. It’s not difficult to imagine that over time, memory leaks, program errors, and plain stupidity on the parts of the programmers and users make their way to the system. And while this is rather annoying, it is inevitable, and the solution is straightforward.
Human interaction, on the other hand, is much more complicated than computers.
Over the years, I have grown comfortable with the idea of writing a blog. My blog has allowed me to grow as a transgender person, and to connect me with other people who deal with similar issues as myself. And while I still struggle linguistically, “writing things down” no longer seems like the chore that it was back in 2006. Through writing the blog, and the encouragement that I received, I gained much confidence as a transwoman. However, like my computers, undesirable things began to creep into my writings. What inspires to one person puts down another; what builds up one and can hurt another; what seems like an exciting adventure for one, is a nightmare for another; what one considers “artistic licence” of good taste, another person will consider it a lie. As I was blissfully wrote on my blog, I became completely oblivious to the validity of other points of view, and the fact that I was hurting people that I cared about the most. It eventually got to a point where I had to ask myself: does having this blog even accomplish anything? But I before I could answer these questions, the blog had to be taken out of service.
To those I have hurt, I am sorry, and I ask for your forgiveness. I put myself ahead of you, for purposes that were selfish and vain.
This is my reboot, and hopefully to a better version of myself. But although the blog is now back in operation, I won’t guarantee that it’ll stay this way forever. I just hope that at the end of the day, I am indeed a better person than I was when I began this adventure.
God bless all of you!